As I Lay Me Down to Sleep by Munro Eileen & Carol McKay

Author:Munro, Eileen & Carol McKay [Munro, Eileen]
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Publisher: Mainstream Publishing
Published: 2011-05-19T23:00:00+00:00

15

The Order of Chaos

As always in my life, cogs were turning in the background, whirring away without my explicit knowledge. I did have an implicit knowledge, though. I was always aware at some level that many people made decisions and judgements about my situation that I had no input into or control over. Most of these people I would never meet but I always knew that social work conferences were held regularly to discuss my situation and ongoing placement. Decisions could be taken at these conferences that would have a major effect on my life and I believed there was nothing I could do to influence them.

My placement in care was legally bound by Section 15 of the Social Work Scotland Act 1968. It was legally seen as voluntary care. This Act meant I was in legal limbo. For me, it wasn’t voluntary: I had no choice; I had nowhere else to go. As my father had agreed to the voluntary care, I was caught betwixt and between, without anybody having full responsibility for my interests. I was still legally his daughter, with a foot in the family camp, and legally the social work camp had a duty of care for me. I couldn’t be fostered at this point unless it was directed by the Social Work Department, and the ethos at the time was to keep children with their families no matter what. Voluntary care, to me, was just an illusion. My father continued to visit sporadically, often paralytic, and at night my bad dreams continued.

Even when things seemed to be going well, I was too afraid to relax completely. There were reasons for that. My past being one and my constant nightmares another. Add to this the knowledge that when I reached the age of 16 I would be too old to live at Fernlea. I had less than a year to go before I’d be automatically turfed out. Nobody had ever raised this subject with me and I was afraid to bring it up. Small wonder the future loomed heavily in front of me.

Hiding round the back of Fernlea with my cigarette, I thought of how I longed for my own home. A home that would be rightfully and forever mine whenever I needed it. At the moment, only the law directed that I should have a home, not people who shared a bond of love or kinship with me. It was always a legal act that governed my life, allowing this or disallowing that. How I wished that sometimes it was a form of love that influenced the decisions that affected me.

Oh, to look over my shoulder and to feel that something was there, some kind of safety net. That was what I wanted. Instead, all that was behind me if I glanced over my shoulder was emptiness, nightmares and longing. It would have been personal and social suicide to have talked about my past – so how could I look forward?

If, at the age of

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